Books

Did You Know I Would Miss You | Order | FAQ | RESOURCES (Books & Videos) | Links

For all the broken-hearted who ask themselves the unanswerable questions…

Did You Know I Would Miss You?- A Healing Journey is for people who have lost beloveds to suicide, or by any other means. The book and this web page are dedicated to my blood brother and soul brother, Stephen Charles Saul 1950-2004.

“I lost my sister to suicide. Donaleen’s book, Did You Know I Would Miss You? really helped me. One of the many things it gave me was an opportunity to focus on my sister’s whole life, not just the final act. Too much of the focus had been on that final act.”
Jim Stanton
Media Consultant

How do you heal from losing someone to suicide?

Millions of grief-stricken people struggle to answer this question. If you’re one of them, you have a lot of company. And yet, being bereaved by suicide is the loneliest feeling in the world. In North America and elsewhere, we not only marginalize suicide, we marginalize death, grief, and other emotions and circumstances that don’t fit the big dream of eternal happiness. Which drives countless people to the ranks of the walking wounded, haunted by a sorrow they’re not supposed to feel once the funeral’s over.

I know what that’s like. I lost my brother, Steve, to suicide in May of 2004. It was the biggest heartbreak of my life.

In writing Did You Know I Would Miss You? – A Healing Journey, I discovered a path to healing from this terrible pain. I’ve lost track of the number of people who have contacted me to tell me how my book has helped them. That’s why I wrote it.

Collaborating on the design and production of the book with internationally renowned artist, Sergei Petrov, who created the evocative photographs of Steve’s crow and raven carvings that illustrate it, was hugely healing for me (and, I believe, for Steve). Sergei’s kindness, his respect for the subject matter, and his artistry were a grace. Click here to see Sergei’s beautiful work for yourself.

Order your copy of Did You Know I Would Miss You? for someone you care about – especially if it’s you. To order a paperback copy, see below. Also, the kindle edition is now available.

“Donaleen’s book is an essential, invaluable addition to our counseling practice libraries and a powerful and profound tool to support our clients’ healing.”
Tessa Lloyd, M.Ed., RCC

See the rest of Tessa Lloyd’s review in the Fall 2009 issue of Insights – The Clinical Counsellors’ Magazine & News.

ORDER YOUR COPY OF
DID YOU KNOW I WOULD MISS YOU?- A HEALING JOURNEY

Please select the country the book will be shipped to.
The cost of the book and the shipping are already added together at check-out.
All prices are in Canadian dollars and will be converted on your credit card statement.

For information about quantity discounts for educational or gift purposes, please email me at donaleen@donaleensaul.com

return to top

Some Answerable Questions

Someone I love has just died by suicide. I feel so messed up I can’t tell you. What do I do?

Your reaction is completely understandable. It is shattering to lose a loved one to suicide. You need to take extra care of yourself now. Don’t delay getting the help you need. And don’t keep your pain to yourself. You may want to see a counselor who specializes in grief issues. If you don’t know of any counselors, ask for a referral from your doctor. Along with professional support, you may get some benefit from the content and exercises in Chapter Three, Reeling from the Shock.

Since my loved one died by suicide, I’m finding it hard to talk to some of my family and friends. What’s going on?

It’s not uncommon to get into conflicts with people who are close to us when a traumatic event occurs. Suicide is a difficult subject for many people. And not everyone responds to grief and trauma in the same way. Some people need to cry and talk about it. Others prefer to retreat into silence. Still others choose to busy themselves with projects and activities. There is no right way to go through this passage. The journaling exercises offered throughout my book, and particularly in Chapter Seven, Resting in the Holy Land of the Heart, can help you access wisdom and compassion for self and others. Also, See Resources for books that offer comfort and guidance in this difficult time.

What is wrong with the term, “committed suicide”?

Even though the term is still widely used, I don’t say “committed suicide” anywhere in Did You Know I Would Miss You? because it reflects a time, not that long ago, when suicide was viewed as a crime. The word “commit” is linked with “murder” and “armed robbery.” It is also sometimes associated with the word, “sin.” While you may not consider suicide to be a crime or a sin, language is powerful and can reinforce harmful stereotypes. This is why those in the suicide prevention movement encourage us to use “died by suicide” instead.

How can journaling help me deal with this grief I’m feeling?

Recent scientific evidence points to journaling’s role in improving physical, mental, and emotional health. Tests indicate that journaling about traumatic events can strengthen the immune system, improve sleep habits, increase work efficiency, and foster better relationships. The positive effects of journaling are not limited to “writers.” Everyone can benefit. You don’t need to be a writer to journal. For more information on using journaling to help deal with losing someone to suicide, see the Introduction, Creating Sanctuary; Chapter Two, Taking Refuge in My Journal; and the Appendix, Journal Writer’s Field Guide. Some of the books listed in Resources may also be helpful.

Is there a journal-writing exercise that can get me started?

Yes, find a place where you won’t be disturbed. If lighting a candle is possible, do so, but don’t worry about it. Just sit for a minute or two, take a few deep breaths, and allow yourself to settle. Then, in your journal, write the phrase, “Right now I feel…” and allow the words to come. Don’t try to shape them or stop them. This is just for you. Just pour your heart out…your hurt, your anger, your absence of any feeling at all – whatever is there. Write for as little as five minutes and no more than 20 minutes. When you’re done, again take a few deep breaths, and appreciate yourself for taking this important step in your healing.

What if I feel stuck and can’t write about my feelings?

There are no “shoulds” in journaling – or in grieving. If reflecting on your feelings is too difficult, you might find it helpful to write a to-do list or a list of ways you can take care of yourself in this difficult time. You deserve it.

return to top

Resources

Here are some books and videos/DVDs that were my friends and companions throughout my grief and the development of the book. Check them out.

Books on suicide and suicide prevention…

Alvarez. A. The Savage God: A Study of Suicide. Penguin Books: London, UK, 1971

Calgary Health Region. Hope and Healing: A Practical Guide for Survivors of Suicide, 2003

Clemons, James T., editor. Sermons on Suicide. Westminster/John Knox Press: Louisville, KY, 1989

Collins, Judy. Sanity and Grace: A Journey of Suicide, Survival and Strength. Jeremy P. Tarcher/Penguin: New York, NY, 2003

Fine, Carla. No Time to Say Good-bye. Broadway Books: New York, NY, 1997

Fine, Carla and Myers, Michael. Touched by Suicide: Hope and Healing After Loss. Gotham Books: New York, NY, 2006

Hillman, James. Suicide and the Soul. Putnam, CT: Spring Publications, Inc., 1997

Jamison, Kay Redfield. Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide. Picador: London, UK, 2000

Miller, Sara Swan. An Empty Chair: Living in the Wake of a Sibling’s Suicide. Writers Club Press: San Jose, CA, 2000

Rosenfeld, L. and Prupas, M. Left Alive: After a Suicide Death in the Family. Thomas Books: Springfield, Illinois, 1984

Ross, Eleanora Betsy. After Suicide: A Ray of Hope for Those Left Behind. Perseus Publishing: Cambridge, MA, 1997

Shneidman, Edwin S. The Suicidal Mind. Oxford University Press: New York, NY, 1996

Smolin, Ann and Guinan, John. Healing After the Suicide of a Loved One. Simon and Schuster: New York, NY, 1993

Stone, George. Suicide and Attempted Suicide: Methods and Consequences. Carroll & Graf: New York, NY, 1999

Williams, Mark. Suicide and Attempted Suicide. Penguin Books: London, UK, 1997

Books on grief and loss…

Caplan, Sandi and Lang, Gordon. Grief’s Courageous Journey: A Workbook. New Harbinger Publications: Oakland, CA, 1996

Didion, Joan. The Year of Magical Thinking. Vintage/Random House: New York, NY, 2006

Doka, Kenneth J., ed. Living with Grief After Sudden Loss. Hospice Foundation of America: Bristol, PA, 1996

Kennedy, Alexandra. The Infinite Thread: Healing Relationships Beyond Loss. Beyond Words Publishing Inc.: Hillsboro, Oregon, 2001

Levine, Stephen. Unattended Sorrow: Recovering from Loss and Reviving the Heart. Rodale: Emmaus, PA, 2005

Martin, Terry L., Doka, Kenneth J. Men Don’t Cry… Women Do. Brunzel/Mazel: Philadelphia, PA, 2000

Wolfelt, Alan D., Ph.D. The Journey Through Grief: Reflections On Healing. Companion Press: Fort Collins, CO, 2007 (1997)

Wray, T.J. Surviving the Death of a Sibling: Living Through Grief When an Adult Brother or Sister Dies. Three Rivers Press/Random House: New York, NY, 2003

Books on mental illness…

Solomon, Andrew. The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression. Scribner: New York, NY, 2001

Styron, William. Darkness Visible: A Memoir of Madness. Random House: New York, NY, 1990

Books on death and dying…

Estes, Clarissa Pinkola. The Radiant Coat: Spiritual Lessons in Myth and Story to Illuminate the Mystery of Dying. (compact disc) Sounds True Audio: Louisville Co, 1993

Levine, Stephen. Who Dies? An Investigation of Conscious Living and Conscious Dying. Anchor Press/Doubleday: Garden City, NY, 1982

Levine, Stephen. Healing Into Life and Death. Anchor Press/Doubleday: Garden City, NY, 1987

Books on writing and healing…

Adams, Kathleen. Journal to the Self: Twenty-two Paths to Personal Growth. Warner Books: New York, NY, 1990

Adams, Kathleen. Scribing the Soul: Essays in Journal Therapy. Center for Journal Therapy: Denver, CO, 2004

Adams, Kathleen. The Write Way to Wellness: A Workbook for Healing and Change. Center for Journal Therapy: Denver, CO, 2000

Pennebaker, James W. Writing to Heal: A Guided Journal for Recovering from Trauma and Emotional Upheaval. New Harbinger Publications, Inc.: Oakland, CA, 2004

Videos…

Aftermath: The Legacy of Suicide, 50 min. Adult children, whose loss of a parent to suicide has been shrouded in secrecy, strive to uncover the truth. www.nfb.ca

When a Shadow Crosses the Heart, 2 hr. An exploration of anger, violence, suicide, and healing. www.warmrocktapes.com

Seeing Our Way Through, 30 min. A family struggles to find meaning in the wake of their husband/father’s suicide. www.griefwatch.com

Ordinary People, Feature film. A young man whose brother died by suicide is cast adrift in a family unable to cope. Available at many libraries and video stores.

return to top

Here are some links that you might find useful.

Links on healing loss by suicide…

www.forsuicidesurvivors.com – Resources for suicide survivors by Ronnie Walker, MS LCPC

www.afsp.org – American Foundation for Suicide Prevention information

Links on writing and healing…

www.journaltherapy.com – Center for Journal Therapy, founded by Kathleen Adams, author of Journal to the Self and The Write Way to Wellness

http://tiny.cc/IfszG – Reflective writing research leader, Dr. James W. Pennebaker

www.alexandrakennedy.com – Alexandra Kennedy MA, author of The Invisible Thread

www.writetotheheart.com – Ray McGinnis, author of Writing the Sacred

www.thehourstories.com – Dale Adams-Segal, creator of The Hour Stories

Links on grief and loss…

www.compassionatefriends.org – American branch of The Compassionate Friends, an international organization for parents, siblings, and grandparents grieving the loss of a child

www.tcfcanada.net – The Canadian branch of The Compassionate Friends

www.centerforloss.com – Centre for Loss and Life Transition, founded by Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt, author of several books on grief and loss.

Links on suicide prevention…

www.suicideprevention.ca – Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention

www.afsp.org – American Foundation for Suicide Prevention

www.suicidology.org – American Association of Suicidology

www.save.org – Suicide Awareness Voices of Education

www.mentalhealth.org/suicideprevention – National Strategy for Suicide Prevention (US)

www.sprc.org – Suicide Prevention Resource Center

return to top

ORDER YOUR COPY OF
DID YOU KNOW I WOULD MISS YOU? – A HEALING JOURNEY

Please select the country the book will be shipped to.
The cost of the book and the shipping are already added together at check-out.
All prices are in Canadian dollars and will be converted on your credit card statement.

For information about quantity discounts for educational or gift purposes, please email me at donaleen@donaleensaul.com